“The mystery of life. ”
~Hella (my best friend)
I feel like a dog who twists & turns his head trying to understand a sound, or what someone is saying, as I try and fathom death and that dad isn’t on this earth now. Although he wasn’t the father I wanted him to be, or that I envisioned having, he was still my dad, and I mourn the loss of the dad energy I’ve held in my heart.
I’m also struck by the futility of fighting against death. It’s a losing battle. It seems far smarter to utilise that energy for something constructive, i.e. to observe what is in the current moment.
Johnathon Foust invites us to notice the play of vedanā (feeling & sensation) in the body, notice one’s relationship to it. As I relax and pay attention, and keep relaxing and paying attention, I become aware of more of what’s going on, my body starts to unwind—tensions start to untwine. It doesn’t mean that everything is suddenly rosy. But it is part of being an active participant in life, rather than a delusional combatant.
When I feel into “what is”, and accept it as what exists right now, there is peace. When I roll in “what isn’t” I suffer.
Yes, I mourn. … Yes, it hurts.
But just as Yin & Yang coexist in the symbol of the Tao, so too do pain and happiness within the space of the present moment.
Intellectually, I don’t understand the juxtaposition. It’s a koan—something that stops the mental gymnastics. I find myself confounded with two baskets worth of oranges and only one basket to hold them. The solution, I’ve learned, is to stop, smell, look, listen and feel. Perspective always shifts.
I wonder where dad’s energy went, how it’s moving and being expressed since transitioning from his body. Maybe I’m only creating another illusion, but I feel peace from ‘him’. In fact, there’s is a sensation of love around me. Is it ‘him’? I dunno. But it is what’s there right now, in the moment, and I chose to feel it …and reflect it into the world.
I’m not sure that it’s possible to unpack the enigma of death. So instead, I’ll marvel at the mystery of life.
“I release control, and surrender to the flow of love that will heal me.”
~Alexa Sunshine Rose