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Morning Light


I wish I could figure out my cycles of anxiety so that I could better mitigate and manage them. I have origin theories but nothing concrete. Yesterday morning, the quietness inside was conspicuous. As the day progressed, however, I could feel anxiety building. I suspect that the underlying catalyst was disappointment in a task for which I had high hopes compounded by physical exhaustion that drains my mental and emotional reserves. (Note: The ‘task’ in this case was not the roof about which I’ve recently posted (on IG) and am incredibly proud.)

When the waters calm then sediment falls out of solution; although quite pleasant, it’s usually accompanied by a transition while the deposits are dealt with. Assuming that minimal waste is stirred back into mixture, quietude eventually prevails. I’ve seen this pattern in silent meditation retreats where days six and seven were always a tumultuous time.

Anxiety is a default affliction for me, but one that I’m working to change. Frustration ensues when I refuse to adjust my own plans and schedules to mental rhythms. Despite my fits of complaint, nature remains unmoved and I’m forced eventually to surrender. The longer I delay aligning with ‘what is’ the greater the price to pay. Life is simple in this way, which isn’t to say that dealing with the challenge is itself easy… until I realise that all that I see as real is itself actually unreal.

I suppose one of the truest things I can say about myself is that I’m drawn to internal investigation. There’s always a subtler level to discover and I experience that as curiously freeing. In fact, when I find myself in a funk, and once I get past the initial self-destruction impulse, my recovery comes through introspection.

❝ The peace often gained must be remembered at other times. That peace is your natural and permanent state. By continuous practice it will become natural. That is called the ‘current’. That is your true nature. ❞
~Sri Ramana Maharshi

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