Unsettled

Unsettled

In my last post I shared a feeling of ‘settled’. I knew that it would pass. All conditioned things are impermanent–transient, evanescent, inconstant.

My autumn training camp has come to an end. There’s been tremendous growth in fitness, with nutrition, emotionally, and relationally. Nevertheless, upon reflection to the start of my trip, there are decisions for which I wish I could have mulligans.

Play the course as it is, and the ball as it lies.

Mammaw

Undoubtedly, in the quote above, my grandmother was only referring to golf, but it does reflect the practical side of her nature.

I have blinders that cause me to miss soulful and nourishing opportunities with others, and with nature too for that matter. I can be as fixated as a rabid dog who bites down, won’t let go, and who sees nothing else around him. Being focused is a positive attribute for discipline and getting things accomplished. To be obsessed, however, excludes grace, flow, and calibration.

Part of me chastises myself for lack of discernment, for not flowing and dancing more, and for the pain I cause others. But berating myself doesn’t serve anyone. A Course In Miracles (ACIM) teaches us that rolling in suffering is inner terrorism. We’re taught not to emulate the crucifixion, but instead to magnify the resurrection.

I consider self-crucifixion akin to the Second Nobel Truth. The cause of suffering is craving and fundamental ignorance: craving for becoming, craving for disbecoming.

Ergo, the Third Nobel Truth is the resurrection. The End of Suffering comes in the form of good news: our obscurations are as temporary as passing clouds that obscure the sun of our enlightened nature, which is always present. Therefore, suffering can end because our obscurations can be purified and awakened mind is always available to us.

…Yeah, right. Try telling that to the dog as you attempt to pry open his jaws. That’s how relentless and futile it feels internally sometimes.

Will I ever learn? Yes, I believe so; by staying present, continuing to reflect, feel, meditate, and to look into the crevices with curiosity, inquisitiveness, and willingness. When talking with people I trust, and with whom there’s safe space, I open up, I hear their perspective, I am nourished, and I nourish them in the personal interaction. To be sure, I despise the thought that I’ll continue to hurt others until my discernment improves. But instead of chiding myself I’ll use my desire for rebirth and reawakening as fuel for the lamp in the window that calls me home and reminds me to walk the path where I am. Only in that space can I love.

Un-Settled… This too will pass.

✌️🌱 … 🙏
Peace, Plants … Namaste

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